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GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE
February 19, 1993
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Think about This
When did you first know that you were lesbian or gay?
by Mike Radice
Questions like "How long have you been out?" and "Do your parents know?” have been ice-breaker staples for many years. Within the last year or so, I've noticed a new question creeping into party conversations with more and more frequency. "When did you first know that you were gay?" has been added to the standard question menu.
The question's increasing popularity is no surprise. With an exponential number of lesbians and gays jumping out into the light, interest in the origins of sexual orientation has reached a new level. In previous columns, I've addressed the question of "how" we are created. Now it's time to address the "when" question.
Several research studies have tried to determine the age at which we first became aware of our affectional preference for the same sex. Most have relied on interviewing gay and lesbian adults, asking them to dig deep into their memory bases to remember the first time they realized their love for the same sex. This is a highly fickle research method, for obvious reasons, and makes the results highly questionable. Although some of you can remember even the most intimate details of your infancy, most of us have trouble remembering a lot of detail prior to age nine. (This queen has trouble remembering what happened last week!) Consequently, the people questioned may have shortchanged the age at which they "first knew" due to the frail nature of human memory.
The research on this subject reports that most lesbian and gay adults first recall a same-sex affectional attraction around age 9 or 10. Around age 12 or 13, the subjects reported their initial recognition of a samesex physical attraction. The physical attractions reported were more bisexual than homosexual.
Prior to realizing their same-sex attractions, those surveyed reported being aware that they were "different" as early as age 6 or 7. The gay males reported being teased for being interested in intellectual or artistic activities, or for being physically clumsy. Lesbians reported being teased for engaging in non-traditional activities, such as sports. Most of those questioned had little-
to-no memory of differing from their peers prior to age 6.
There is a group of highly respected researchers who claim that "sexual orientation" is established by age five, and their opinions are frequently quoted. After reviewing their studies and published opinions, I discovered that there was absolutely no evidence for their claims. Their writings accurately reported that by age 5, most children could identify themselves as boys or girls, and could accurately label others as male or female. However, being able to identify what sex someone is doesn't necessarily translate into being able to identify to whom the affectional attraction is stronger. This was the leap the authors tried to make. Labeling the direction of affectional attraction takes more complex thinking and feeling skills.
Affectional attraction, for the average younger child, is based more on who they bond to as caregivers (parents, teachers, baby-sitters, older siblings), versus being driven by an internal sexual orientation engine. The average child doesn't begin searching for affectional intimacy, beyond their caregivers, until around age 11 or 12, although they can begin to recognize and think about it as young as age 9 or 10.
The moral of this story is that the jury is still out on the "when" question. Nobody denies that children (including infants and toddlers) are sexual beings, or that they seek sexual pleasure. The sexual activities of the average child are usually limited to self-stimulation and exploration, the imitation of what they see other adults do on television, and the exploration of their peers' bodies through "doctor" play. Although it is highly likely that people are born gay, lesbian (or straight), most don't report recognizing it until around age nine. Nine has been reported as the pivotal age for recognizing same-sex affectional attraction, and age 12 or 13 for the physical.
As we come out and talk about our personal histories, more will be learned about the origins of sexual orientation. I believe that in the end, we will discover that the point at which it is established will be during the prenatal period. It is my hope that in the long run, the question will become irrelevant.
Marie Bielefeld, Ph.D. COUNSELING PSYCHOLOGIST
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